Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
