Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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