Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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