he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
