i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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