you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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