Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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