My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
