i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Terrible idea I love it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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