Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
