No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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