Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
