my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
