She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Boobs speak an international language.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
