i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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