My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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