I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
