onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
