the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
