i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Semen is not good for contacts.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
