i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
