Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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