I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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