the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
