Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
