I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
