Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just googled if crying burns calories
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
