i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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