I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
