Apparently you make a good broom.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
