Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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