My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
