I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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