Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
