This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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