and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
