Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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