I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
