The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
