I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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