i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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