I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
