you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
