I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
