I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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