feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
