i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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