I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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