dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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