Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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