So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
